I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
