You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
