i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
