i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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