So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
What drink are we having for lunch?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
