how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i will never coherently bang her
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
