A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
