here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
