There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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