I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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