I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
