apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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