my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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