..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
