this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
