she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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