well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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