Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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