cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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