i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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