Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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