My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
