the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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