Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Four minutes until I can fart!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
