Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize