I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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