I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
