The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
