I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
