Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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