3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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