I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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