My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
