im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
