Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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