your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
