oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
