Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
