4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
