The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
