good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize