there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
