Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize