How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
