ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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