hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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