I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
