i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
