I cannot find my penis.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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