just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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