On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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