it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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