I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
