After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
