apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
