He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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