I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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