I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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