I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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