Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
