all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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