Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
