its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
pop tarts are not kleenex
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
