I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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