Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize