We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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