Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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