I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
