you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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