I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
