Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
