question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
