i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
