Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
