we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
